As I prepare to post this blog entry, we are several weeks into the Coronavirus Quarantine. We are all weary. The end is not yet in sight. We are all struggling. We need some guidance, some insight, and some kind of comfort. With that in mind, I share this journal entry. This was my written prayer several months ago, when I was awake in the middle of the night and feeling lost. There is lament, there is doubt--and there is the hope and comfort of being met in my weary distress. I hope you find it helpful.
Journal Date: 05/05/2019
Good evening, Lord. Well I guess technically it's morning since it's after midnight.
Good day, Dawn. I'm glad to be with you.
Thank You, Lord. Papa, I'm thankful You are here and with me. Right now, I'm thankful for my client "P" because I'm doubting whether I actually hear from You. But she does well. Others as well. People are blessed by praying in this way.
Yes, Dawn. Your husband is blessed.
Really, Lord?
Yes, Dawn.
Ok. So I'm not completely crazy. I do some good.
Keep going, Dawn. One day at a time. One project at a time.
I am, Lord. But you know me. And I've had some serious disappointments. Lord, right now, everything looks murky. I can't see anything clearly. Lord, I want to teach people to pray. So I think about doing that within an organization. But what if I don't believe in what they do strongly enough to do that? I also think about pastoring a small church. But I don't have formal training for that. All I really want to do is love people and help them grow. I still love the retreat center idea. Or maybe I should get a doctorate and teach at a college... Lord, where are You?
I Am here, Dawn. I Am with you, and I Am in the plan.
But what is the plan, Lord?
You will see.
Why can't I see now?
Because it isn't time yet. You aren't ready.
How do I get ready?
Rest into Me. Trust Me.
Ok, Lord. I don't have much choice.
Stop looking around, Dawn. Just look at Me. I Am the Way, I Am the Plan. Look at Me.
Ok, Lord. That is calming. What about my husband?
I'm talking to you right now. I will talk to him when he is awake. Or in his dreams...
Ok, Jesus. Eyes on You. You did bring my husband into my life. You told me when to start dating again. I guess You can tell me what to do about work.
Yes I can, Dawn. Keep working on those courses... I've got you Dawn. You haven't run out of money yet.
But my car blew up. Sort of
It's all part of My plan.
I don't like that part.
How about a new car. Would you like that?
Probably. Depends on the car.
Are you being ungrateful?
Papa, You know I will be thankful for anything You give me. Very grateful. But some blessings are harder to handle than others. I like my current car... I'm sure there are many cars I would like.
Did you like how I picked out your husband for you?
Yes, Lord.
Will you trust Me to pick out your next car? And position?
Papa, You know me better than I know myself. My husband is far beyond who I could ask for or imagine. I trust you to choose a better car than I would pick. I trust you to design a better position for me than I could design myself.
You have good work prepared for me to do, Lord. I trust you to lead me to it and it to me--just like You brought my husband to me & me to him.
Good! Now go to bed. You need your sleep. You have a long day tomorrow.
Thank You, Papa. Good night.